Oh good God. Oh my, dear sweet, *brain explosion.*

So, today I ended up on my brother's laptop for half a millisecond to check something, and happened upon his face book name. So I come onto my computer, make a fake account under an alternate email address, and friend him. I'm nosey like that.

Anyway...

He friended back and *gag.*

Apparently he is the founder of a group against premarital sex, and according to some comment on a quiz, homosexuality may not be what God has planned, but it is a person's choice to be gay... He's single "abd" looking, and can't spell for shit.

Oh pity, oh pity, pity, pity, poor bastard. He is, what I imagined him to be, yet one more lazy child of today, without the essential spelling or grammar skills required of any normal person. Also, he has been, mind numbingly warped by that stupid school he goes to, and this face book thing, god. It proves that he is, perhaps, as sheltered and one sided and arrogant and, ah, the right word, please, ignorant, as every other pig headed, self centred, stupid social group I've come to hate.

And he had a girlfriend!?!

Well, I kinda knew that one. But, oh grief, the horrible spelling mistakes, the horrible, every-single-day-ness of that face book page. So, abhorrent. I suppose though, it isn't surprising, inasmuch as a conformation of the fact that, he is, I don't know, not lost to me, but getting close to it.

He may be my brother, but he is going in a totally different direction to me. Even the other brother and I have some similarities, some grounds for friendship, but this one, I can feel it, that sense of departing, of, separation. Knowing what kind of person he is, the potential monster of ignorance he may become, it makes me, sad, a bit, and angry, and, I pity him.

I know, I'm meant to be understanding, and I am. I generally, give people a right to think what they want to think and do what they want to do, within limits. I mean, I do believe in the concept of free will and free moral choice, but I am still allowed to think that the choices of some people are, against my own beliefs. I can dislike what they chose to think, and, I can rectify that by knowing that they are free to think it.

The sad thing is, he could be a much better person. He is smart, he is, can be, good, and it is only his society, his school, his, social grouping that has let him down. But yes, the distancing thing bothers me. He's family, I should feel that, less so.




I miss Sazi now. She's gone on holiday, or somewhere, and hasn't been online. In a time where I'm desperately fearing a mental, Doctor Manhattan-esque separation from a large portion of humanity, she is often quick to remind me of that innate human goodness, which is why I adore her so. Unfortunately for me, the people I desire to meet, apparently, well, I haven't found them yet. I can't seem to find quiet introverts with hidden sources of emotional power. Can't find the people who would rather spell nicely, and think well, consider society equally, than just get drunk and vomit everywhere. I am beginning to so desperately hate my inkling for friendship, for compassion, this need that drives me to contact random people, to seek out, to look through, websites, just looking for someone who might talk well and not be, failing.

I know it's fictional, but I've been writing Ecklie for nearly five years this October, as far as my count goes. I've been writing Sid for not as long, but a few years, anyway. For them, it slides together, even though, it is fiction, for them, they have such great strength, such great character. And if, originally, they were the creations of someone else, and were, in being put into a TV show, based on a real model of human behavior, then why can't there be smart, intelligent, quiet people to get to know. Why must there be so many dislikeable people around for me to find. Sadly, I just miss being understood, I miss, talking and feeling satisfied at the conversation. I am a writer, I am a bleeding heart, angsty little writer, and, I don't know. Humanity seems to have been force feeding me a lot of failed conversations and IQ withering remarks lately.

Which makes me miss her even more. It seems as of late, she’s the only intelligent person I’ve bothered to keep in contact with. Not that Mist and Shep, CW, and so on, aren’t intelligent, but, I know they’re busy, and somehow, I just miss her. I miss the talking, the syntax, the comments, the words, just the mere companionship. And, then, I feel stupid, because I get to the point where I realise, what else do I have in life, in terms of friends? A bunch of people worlds and oceans away, and no one here, no one, equal, to anyone I’ve experienced in the past.

Next week I aim to eat less meat and exercise more. And possibly explore meditation of a Buddhist kind. I’m not making any promises on that last one though, it’s kind of being written here to remind me that there might be free meditation classes in Fremantle.

Well, good god, today a normal day, as far as I myself am concerned. I got a little bit high earlier, not through drugs, no, no, I just think I am a little low on serotonin or something like that. Sometimes, I think the OCD makes my head go spacey. I'll eat a placebo banana later.

For those of you who haven't been updated, I was, unofficially, out of Notre Dame on the 19th of May. I am, of the 10th of June, officially withdrawn from my course. I have made an application to my desired course at Curtin, and I'm hoping to all hell I get in. For one of the first times in many months, I have a slightly less concrete idea of what I want to do with my life, and I feel, free, in a way, of the banality and dread knowing the entire next seven years of my life imposed.

I have finished, as of now, all my catch up TM writing, and am trying to quickly post the prompts up to their respective journals. Backdating them all is a bitch, made slightly easier by a random time generator and the multi tab facility of the shiny Internet Explorer window.

For the first time in my life I have an opportunity to try my hand at something that isn't prompt work. Admittedly, I am scared, scared that I am not as great a writer as I imagine myself to be, that maybe, I cannot write long things, and maybe I may only be suited for prompts of the rest of my life. I hope not. Also comes the problem of which subject, which story to embark on trying to turn into a novel kind of thing, or at least an elongated story.

With all the Sheri Tepper I've been obsessively gobbling up over the past year, my feelings about Aleniel have changed, an interest piqued as it were for my own little alien world. However, although dusty, the story of Eras and Eliza still tugs at my heart strings. Paderau, without a face and a direction is hard to think of, but she does occasionally poke me to work on her, develop her, because I think she could be an immensely powerful character in her own right, given the right setting.

A quick rundown, though, as I'm aware many people, for those few who read here, may not have read about who the hell I'm speaking about. Ah well, more on that later, I'm being dragged away from the computer.


Conqueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesttttttttt... Stupid song.

Worst fucking weekend ever. I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ people, what is your collective affiliated problem? For anyone who ever wandered by here, it's clearly bloody apparent I can and will be as loopy as a mad hatter. I am also, as a human being, with a predisposition to making mistakes of supremely high idiocy. I have my own free will, yes, my own free moral choice, so, seriously, give me a fucking break.

All this week my mother rabbits on about pasta, about spaghetti. Turns out, when we get to IKEA to get food, and she can't make up her mind, and I buy her pasta, she completely bloody freaks! Ok, so, pasta isn't her favourite food, but, fuck, this pithy, oh, you decide, make a decision for me, I don't know, I'm worried about money excuse is getting old, and how. Last night, God fucking damn it, it's late, and her leg is sore so I try to do the washing up so she can go to bed. She's making a grump about it, and then, oh fuck, it's a trap. One of those bloody fucking traps my grandma plays on us all the time for sympathy and attention. I start the washing up and I get this bloody freaking tirade, about how I don't do shit, about how ungrateful I am, about how she cooked sticky frickin chicken and how I didn't say thank you. So what, I have time off, I spent some time playing Pokémon! They went out, I let them go out to the drive in movie, and they get home, ok, so, my bad, I didn't clean up after dinner, but, fuck, did I deserve that? Like this Cesar Milan she adores so much. Apparently, I'm a fucking dog, and I damn well live in the moment. I have a memory of the past, and of social niceties, but I don't try to play games as well as I used to, I inevitably fall into traps because I'm always so damned busy balancing myself out and resisting the urge to draw metaphorical blood. Do you think it's funny, shouting at me? Do you? Would you like to push me over the edge?!

So I wander out, it's like, two in the morning at this point, and I wander out to the backyard. And, oh fuck, I sit on the outside swing for two hours, two whole damn fucking hours in the blithely freezing cold. No, apparently, no one missed me, but it's a different situation isn't it? If you lose a child at a supermarket, you fucking damn well give a shit. If your own kid disappears for two hours inside a tiny house, you couldn't care less. Of course, it's not like it was any better when I got back inside, after being locked out, and went to bed.

Then this morning, she pretends like nothing happened! More bad words because I didn't get to church, at all, and was serving, and then we go out for lunch. And then, it's all fine, all laughter and drooling happiness and, fuck. So my brother has bought a new cupboard, and suddenly, before he builds it up, she has this revelation, they could switch rooms! Oh, fuck, it's not like I haven't been asking for some curtains, asking for some help with my room, damn, fucking, damn, I have been asking, and, so what, I wasn't forceful, but, Jesus, who can be forceful when I nearly executed my mind in going through a near term in a place I clearly didn't belong. So she goes straight to him, straight to him, and he's delighted.

Thinking it through without emotion, it is logical that he needs a bigger room, because his current room is cramped. Thinking it through illogically, he now gets triple the storage space I have, and still a door. While I get left with this damned fucking adjoining room, and no damned freaking idea how to make curtains.


And, oh blithering stupidity, I hate myself. I have been, shouted at, rumpled, for the past two days, and, the black hole is opening, it's fucking, it's whirling. I sit here, and I think I can do so much, and still, I want to dissolve in tears. Last night was the closest thing I have come to crying in months, but I didn't, no, not really. I just bit down on my thumb and wished it away until the emotion died down and the shivering took over. And still, if I could, just have niceness, if people could just not irk me when it's obvious I would be irked at what they were doing, it would be easy!

But no, it isn't. When I was twelve I made a choice, and while the choice of briefly killing emotions held me through until I could be reasonable again, while I may feel them now, that shut down mechanism is still here. Still here, always here, saving me from the full brunt of depression when it gets too hard.


I don't wish to change, because I'm finally mostly happy with who I am. But, in some way, I can see the future, I know the realities of my life, my place in society. I know, right now, that the future of one brother is not good, is poor health and laziness, and, oh fuck, I hate him, so much, sometimes. Because I can see his future, and it is bad, it is so bad, so, all I see is that, all I respond to is that. And the other one, he can be pig headed, he is strong willed and domineering, of course, he's a man. He's the better of the two, but still, he is, different, and once he gets going, it's not often that he stops. Very bull at the gate, sharp horns and nice words, but, impatient, and full of jubilant arrogant youthfulness.


I hoped sleep would reset me, but not today. I want to cry and cry and cry, but I can't, I can't seem to, because the automatic response is to push it damn well back down. Writing saved me, writing helped save me also, but again, the awful side of that choice is revealed. I am not that excellent in speaking my mind, verbally speaking it as I could write it, the translation doesn't come out right, and emotions get in the way. Stupid emotions, get in the way, and I choke up, because when I try to be honest, I get shouted down, when I try to be honest, my brain can't do it. Yes when I write, I can say all this. And my mother says, oh, no one will ever read what you write, why don't you speak honestly to us, and all I can do is avert my eyes and turn my head. Wouldn't anyone else be ashamed of not being able to speak properly when they can write so well.


No, I achieve not much this past week, and it pains me. I desperately need some non-judgemental human connection, but I find none here, I find none in friends either, because what friends?! Really, I don't have a confidant. It's why I find so much solace in writing as two middle aged widowers I suppose. Ecklie killed emotion and was successful, more so than I was, and Sid, he triumphed over depression, more so than I have, sometimes, I think.


I learned a lot from Notre Dame, and I am trying, sometimes, very hard to let go of my ill thoughts and all this hate I feel. But, it's still there, the prickle at the back of my neck, the heat at the back of my neck that I identify as the feeling of OCD, of, swirling squished emotions and damaged thoughts. For every logical way to think about something, there is another side, and I never feel write doing either one. I either sacrifice my desires for the better good of others, or I grab what I want at their expense. And how is that fair to anyone? Them or me? Either way, I do something wrong, whether against my own self worth, or that of another person.



It is a funny thing, listening to people talk about those with depression, those who cut and injure, those who strangle themselves. Because, I'm a writer, fuck it, I can write those things, I have experienced a variation of those things, but, as is the nature of my disease, my condition, I don't outwardly express it. I simply squish it down, unhealthy as it may be, and move on. Stoic, perhaps, a little bit, but it's the best way, for me, to be functional.


If I won a million dollars tomorrow, I'd build a fence for my mother. I’d try to get another story on our house, and get some help so she wouldn't be running herself ragged all the time. Then, I'd get my own place, and I'd sit there, I'd spend little and try and see my way through.

The thing is, there is no escaping this place. For every amount of hate, there's periods of love. There comes that duality thing again. I love them when they are pleasant, but the moment they strike out, I shut down. On one hand, people should always generally try to be good to each other, and on the other, you stupid fucking girl, you know there is no utopia. I know, for love there is hate, for well wishes there is ill thought. It is inevitable, like stocks, that happiness must sometimes fall and anger reign supreme.



It's just, when it gets like this, when we're reminded that we are poor, that we have our own problems, I am no longer the good me or the reasonable me. I'm the twelve year old me who has shut down her emotions. With her basic wants and irrelevant needs, who latches onto the shiny in hopes that it will pull her through.


My brother got angry with me today, and swore at me and raged at me and asked me why I fucking quit forensics, why I fucking quit Notre Dame. He said what the fuck are you going to do with writing? What the fuck are you going to do with creative writing, it's so useless.



I feel useless. I hate it, but it's a storm, and, what can I do but to wait it out? That same brother, his mere presence annoys me, because I know his future and it looks bleak. Then, today, there was this illustrious chance, to move rooms and get a door and be able to hide away completely when I am sad and angry. Except my brother took it, my brother fucking took it. It shined in front of my face, but no one ever offered it to me. I should be happy he'll have more room, because he works hard and he deserves it, but the selfish part of me remains. Why not me? Curtains aren't going to help when the bad future brother sits in the other room, because, funnily enough, the empathic part of me picks up on his very being, and, and, I can't get away. His bleak future leaks off him like a tide and tries to drown me, and I sit here, metres away from him, and it's drowning me. Oh pity, it drowns me, but I am inadequate, and I can't speak my mind, I can't only type, and in typing I am best. But in typing, there is nothing, it doesn't change, and so, what happens to the anger? Hmm, I squash it, I kill it, I avert my eyes and down my head because really, I hate conflict.


If I won a million dollars tomorrow, I'd but a room, somewhere, where it was quiet and peaceful. There is no quiet and peaceful, no hiding, in a room with no doors. But I'm a middle class citizen, with no job, with a sick mother, with no money, no assets like some of my past school friends. Likelihood, my mother will never get her fence, my mother will never get her second story, and there will not be peace and quiet for me for a long, long time.


Recently I've become fascinated with the idea of single children. Something in a feminist sci fi novel I read made the point of, perhaps it would be a more civilised society if grandpa, grandma, mother, father, aunt, uncle, all concentrated on one child of the family, if the next generation considered of one child only. Sadly, sometimes I think I could agree. Reading this eco feminist stuff, God, it pains me, because I'm starting to see reality for a lot more than I used to.


*Sigh.* Tch, tch, stupid girl. Oh well, time to put on a pretence. If I pretend long enough, I usually absorb up the emotion I'm pretending to feel, and it gets better. I've begun to hate speaking though, and sometimes, I wish I were mute, because whatever I say, so often, doesn't have the desired consequence, and simply, goes nowhere.

Yet if I act mute towards them, which I already do, often enough, I am accused of ignorance and of selfishness, and it gets me nowhere. But neither does speaking, so, really, is there a right path at all. Right now, I think fucking not.


Yesterday, I talked to my brother, I got angry and I talked to him about how my mother had annoyed me, how I was sorry about having angered her. I let them go out last night, just them two, alone, and she comes home pissed off at me. Ok, I'm sorry, I should have done more. But, you know what he did? All the things I said to him yesterday afternoon, in presumed confidence, he said to my mother, while they were out last night. She practically quoted them to me verbatim. So, not only has speaking my mind got me into trouble, but apparently, my brother, as he is known to do, went straight to my mother the moment he was alone, and said every part of my angry words to her. So, now, who do I have? I still have no confidant, and now, I don't trust him anymore. I don't want to speak to him anymore, because anything I say, just gets parroted back to my mother. Yet not speaking to them, also gets me in trouble, so there is, what option? There is no fucking option.

I briefly entertained the thought of joining a nunnery today and taking a vow of silence. As a writer, I am really fucking sick of having to speak all the time, and having everything, every single thing, so very often, come out wrong.

*Rubs head.*

I've been purposefully sabotaging myself over the past threee days. Which scares me, a lot, because I'm conscious of it, yet, it's not like I can, I haven't, been able to stop.

I hate myself. It's been a long while, but I hate myself for feeling all this, any of this, any of this desire. If I hadn't started writing, oh sure, I'd probably be on antidepressants, I may have done worse things, but, it'd be different, right? I'd be a different person, and I wouldn't have this stupid fucking desire burning behind my collarbone.

When I was little, I wanted to be a vet, for the animals. Later, I wanted to be a nurse because of my mother. Later, I wanted to be a chef, because, hell, at least I could do that. And then I took on Sid. I was writing by then, and I took on Sid, and he echoed within me something that has, thus far, either caused me to take a correct path, or, alternatively, a path that ignores any relevant educational dislikes I may have.

I'm so sick, of being articulate and intelligent like this. Would it have been easier if I could have found a real hobby like everyone else? If I had gotten drunk at parties and killed my brain cells and then just, gone to do business or law? What kind of cruel punishment is this that I had to love the one thing, one of the many things that gets me nowhere?

I am, such a hypocrite. I wrote an essay on the use of reason; I explained how you can make moral, rational, well educated judgements with reason. You can have conviction by using reason to make up your mind, but, I can't. I've applied all the reason in the world, and every time I convince myself my life would be better doing something I may never feel anything for more than simply nobility of spirit, it all breaks down. I could have more money; I could have more security, more structure, more future. I could be respected, I could know, important things, life saving skills, so what is stopping me?

I've done good things in my life. I've managed to overcome the crippling stages of OCD. When that robbed me of my ability to read, when I hyperventilated when I read, even silently, I taught myself to read again. I taught myself that words didn't have to it any obscure pattern. I've helped people; I've talked to people when they're down. I try to be good, I try to have a conscience, I don't do drugs, I don't get drunk, so why on the green fucking Earth did I have to screw myself over like this?


I know that passion doesn't have to be felt about what you are learning about. I'm aware that all learning is not fun. I’m aware that I shouldn't, probably wouldn't enjoy the first semester of university anyway. It is my first approach towards tertiary education after all. But I shake now, I tear up now, I want to, scream now. People say, there will always be time for the thing I love. But there hasn't. There isn't time for writing, because what time I leave myself, I usually spend sitting in a blind panic, or drowning under wave after wave of mind numbing worry. I can feel the OCD coming back in the way I bite my nails, in the way I now have several scabs around my eyebrows after just sitting there with the tweezers picking the hair out.


I don't need meds, I don't need a shrink, because even if I can't believe in my own rationality, I know inside that it's probably true. I don't want meds, I don't want to block of what mental state I've worked so hard to achieve. But, god, I still, don't know. If I went after heart, I'd write, and well, look at that. I'd just be another writer in the slush pile, I'd just become the very thing I know I should hate, the irrelevant hopeful who believes they're something different. The truthful fact, is that I'm probably not. I'm no different from one hopeful writer to the next, I'm just part of that to be pile of bullshit. And year after year people get published, and it becomes harder to write anything worth publishing.


I've been thinking I want this for too long, and I've never given myself the chance to try it because I know, I've always known that doing creative writing would be dangerous. I've so longed to do art, and, while I try to apply reason, while I try to tell myself that, be honest, art is, for the lucky, for the special, for the, god fucking damned chosen, and that I'm just, another part of nothing. I've told myself that for so long, told myself that I'm special, but not that special, and, so hypocritical of myself, I only still half believe it.


I'm afraid, because if I keep feeling this, as strong as it is, this desire, as strong as it is. If I, if it, keeps coming back, even a few weeks apart at the time, I still lose so much of my time, agonising about it.

Tch, tch, I hate myself now, because I know what I'm meant to do in life. I should, I'm meant to, complete this degree, go into medicine, and toil away the rest of my life doing that, trying to get into forensic pathology. And, in one imagined future, what happens if I kill of writing in the process? Because right now, and as the work gets harder in the coming years, inevitably, I'll have no time to write. If I get into medicine, I'll need to break the confines of the time space continuum just to keep up. It's already happened, it always does happen when I go do study, when I go to do other educational things. I never write, I hardly write, and, I've done that for five years now, pretty much. I've started and stopped, I've invariably stopped writing for weeks, and then taken it up again later when he lack of it drives me to insanity.


Except this time, it isn't high school where the holidays are regular and the time can go by as it pleases. It isn't TAFE where I was generally good at managing my time, even if I didn't have the quickest knife skills.


I question myself know, learning all that I have about philosophy and thinking, and so on. Why do I do this to myself? Why did I choose to love writing? Why did I have to?

I made a promise when I was finishing year twelve and started to get depressed again. I saw, that writing helped me, and, god, I never wanted to stop, even then.

It's not true, saying that I'll make time, because the time won't be regular. It'll be weeks apart between writing, and then, I know, it'll probably disappear. And suddenly, I'll be thirty, or something, in a job, and, I'll realise that it's gone. And I'll be able to look back on this, I will remember the loss of writing, itself, and, good god, I know then I'll hate myself, just like I do now, knowing that I'm so purposefully trying to maybe, throw it away so I can try and love science, so I can try and stop, hating where I am now.

I appreciate all the opportunities my mum has given me, my gran has given me, my family has given me. I appreciate all that love and warmth. But what if I can never be happy doing this? What if, even if this passes, I become a doctor and realise, I don't want it?


I look at myself, I hate all this twisting crap I am putting myself through. Because I know, I see, that while I sit there and panic, I sabotage my university work. Instead of working on my essay, I sit here and write all this out because otherwise I'd cry. I try to write my essay, and I sit there, and the knot forms in my stomach and I pat my knees and drum my fingers, anything to distract myself from feeling blatantly irrational and lost.


A long time ago, when I was little, and I hated myself, I learnt to find beauty in who and what I was. When I was 13 I started writing in silly role plays in chat rooms. Then I found theatrical_muse, and I wrote there. From what I was, I grew up with writing, because it let me manage when I couldn't manage myself. Instead of turning to meds and shrinks, I wrote, and life became better.

And now? Where am I? I'm miserable because I can't follow my own rational logic, because I'm part writer, and I know, I know, that eventually, if I continue on with this, it'll drip away.


And yes, I know, maybe, so maybe part of this is heeby jeebies about exams, about the fact that I've sabotaged myself into ignorance about coursework, into unknowing and panic and pain. I know, I know, I know, that it's only first semester and I should give it another year. But, what is another year of science, with this burning behind my collarbone? That is noble? Oh sure it is, sure it is. Hell, I know it is, but, well, that's the thing.

I don't know.


I don't want a shrink, I damn well never want meds. But, gauphin, I'd give something for a fairy godmother or a future telling soothsayer.

You know what's happened now? I can't decide. And that little demon voice pipes up. What about your future? What about stability? Have you seen how you've grown up? Do you want your own children to have to scrimp and save and wait until the next pay day, or the next cheque from whomever? Oh sure, it was alright for me, I've loved my life, my childhood, honestly I have, but the stability ends with my line, I can't rely back on my own parents to help support me, largely, financially, for a large majority of my life. I don't want them to. I have a mind and a good body, and I want to do something important.

Snicker snack, it whispers, wetting these vile lips of mockery. Tch, tch, it reprimands. Weakness and fallibility dear thing. Did you really think you'd enjoy the first semester of uni after the easy ride at TAFE? Did you really think you'd want to be here a couple of weeks before exams? Did you ever think you'd really enjoy it through the first year, like you might, oh, say, the next? Tch, tch, girl, look at all the people you've told, look at all those people, look at your mother, the father who helped you with your essay when you were down. What about them? What happens to them if you give up and quit? Won't they be disappointed? Of course your mother says what you want her to hear, she just wants you to be happy? Can't you tell, you impudent snipe that she'd much rather have you be better off, then trying to be a writer when, fuck, there's so little chance? You're probably not such a good writer after all, so what's the point of pursuing it when you're only so good, at so much of it? Not like the rest of them, the people who write, they probably have something you don't. Look at Notre Dame, girl, look at the location and the people girl. What was the point to do all this, owe all this, and then quit? Where to then, girl, after this? What would you do if you wrote, girl, hmm? Go on to what? It's not like people scream for creative writers, girl, you'd have to find your own way. Do you want to get stuck writing in a newspaper, girl, don't you dislike journalism girl, do you or not? What about column writing girl, what is the point in that? Where would Curtin get you girl, except to satiate your own wants and then fail miserably at being anything worthy in life?

This huge monster of questions and anger and doubt, and it's paralysing me from moving on, or setting in motion the actions towards change.


It's the same rhetoric, and I'm sick of it. If I leave Notre Dame, I'm throwing away a career in medicine. If I stay, I'm throwing away a career in writing. I sat down to write my essay today for communications, and I procrastinated something stupid. I sat down to write for Ecklie and Sid today, and I probably got out an essay length, easy. Not that learned creative writing would be that easy, but, oh, why couldn't it be just that much easier then this? Wouldn't the grasping of ideas about writing, be easier then this? It's out at Bentley, but I spent a year practically next door to Curtin at TAFE last year, so the only thing I'd miss is the food, the art coffee place. I'd spend more petrol, because I'd probably have to drive, but still.


And for just as many people who say go for it, I speak to people and they say, you should stick with it longer, you should, keep going, and it will get better. I value the time I've spent at Notre Dame, I've learnt a lot of things I wouldn't have if I had gone to Curtin, but I don't know how I can go on with this in my heart. Every time I think I'm over not writing, over not learning about writing, it screams and burns, and my fingers quiver. And then, when I think about it, try to taste what it would be like; science draws me back again, those whispering words of loveliness and security, and promise. The argument beats back and forth, inside my head, my heart, my soul, maybe. Do or don't, fly or flee? What kind of a person am I if I stay? Would I be noble and trustworthy, able to stick to any problem? Would I be honourable for doing this, and seeing that I have a good life ahead of me, or am I building a dream on false foundations? And if I wrote, well, there's a big emptiness in the job department. If I wanted to write, what would I end up writing, because surely, who hires creative writers? You have to be good first, and you have to have what they want first, and you have to know how to go about it first, all this malarkey.

I used to hate languages at school, because I could never grasp them. But I love origins, now, I do, I love etymology and definitions and different words. Anatomy is funny with its word hierarchy, its unique Latin-esque nature, but it's still anatomy underneath.

What do I get at the end of three years? Do I get madness or success, and what about the four years of medical school after that, if they happen? Then the other countless years spent trying to do forensic pathology, when, seriously, it's not like there's a great freaking training program over here.

I'm scared, because I think Ecklie and Sid are changing. Ecklie was a bit stiff last time I took to him, and Sid was, today, I don't know. He was happy, but, it was like he was happy just so I could make myself feel better. And now, well, of course, I'm wavering like a little brittle leaf in the wind. Do or don't. Risk or not. And when I think I can jump, I look down at the sheer height of my decision, the sheer weight of it, and I start to walk back to Notre Dame, towards science, and, well, the fairly assured weight of writing just sitting there, like a to directional black hole. Simultaneously propelling me away from science with lust for art and then pushing me back for worry it won't work out, and I'll just be another stupid arts student with a uni degree, with bills to pay from that uni degree, who will never amount up to much because she dreamed too high...


I may be have a predisposition to have an inherent nature to worry, but don't get off at the thought that I enjoy hating myself. I don't, it's just a habit to see things from wavering aspects. To think of it one moment in one way, and then after looking at the consequences, the changes, shifting to another perspective, a position changed.


My mother isn't feeling very well, and I think it'll break me to see the pain in her eyes, the worry and the inquiry if I tell her. And, maybe it wouldn't happen, but I'm fairly sure, looking back on the past, that when I try to talk about writing, I cry, and when I cry, I can't get over how brilliant it is, how, I yearn for it, yet still, have no clue in the world, about where I really belong. Sid inspired me into this, the philosophy of it inspired me into wanting to be something medicine like, to do with science. I pushed back the old terror, and I surged forward.

When I got accepted into Notre Dame, I was happy, I was lucky; I was a lot of things. But I wasn't giddy. The day before it started, I was terrified, which, could be expected. When I go to anatomy, I don't look forward to it, it's merely there. The best I could shadow this against is all those cases of post natal depression I read about, examine through. I've got the kid now, but sometimes I feel attached, and sometimes, well, sometimes, I just want to put the thing down, and run away screaming to something better behaved and enticing.


I feel as if, if I go through with this, while I'm giving myself a fantastic opportunity, I'm also denying what has driven me all these years. Yet, if I give myself over to writing, while I might enjoy it more, that's only a might. It could just as equally be a terrible experience, because it'd be bigger classes, different layout, something new and weird to get used to. It might change who I am as a writer, it might rip me apart and I'll never be the same. How did I go form hating the idea of writing education, to wanting it so badly?


For every comment I get that urges me to fly, for every bit of every song, or every post secret I read about taking after your own desires and urges, I hear a comment about blaming your problems on things that can't be helped, or people always looking at the grass on the other side of the fence because it seems greener, but, it's not.


Sazi asked me the other day why I wanted medicine. I want medicine because I could secure a place in the world that wouldn't be subject to so much uncertainty as writing was. I could also help people, I could, in forensic pathology, speak for those who can't, and I think that's noble. I want it because sometimes it speaks to me, but I look at it now, and, what draws it to me is more empathic. I may desire to cut up dead bodies in the name of that noble nature, but where does that lead me? More dead bodies. More cutting, more silly suits to protect clothes, more breathing masks, and knowing laws, and things. It's procedure, and, while it may be creative, I can hardly say it'd be like writing. And then, if I wrote, well, oh, I may be happy, I may be a lot of things, but all I know right now is that I'd love to write. But at the end of the three years, if I did it, well, all I'd know is how to write better, how to write more, with structure intended. If I did it, and got pushed out the door, then what do I have? A degree, and no structure, no apprenticeship or internship with which would follow with cooking or medicine.


And, I don't know. For every time I think I can, all those questions come flooding back until I think I can't. Then I force all the screaming to go away for a while, tell it metaphorically to piss off, but sure as hell, it'd be back again.

That is what I dread. For every few weeks I can push the desire to write away, eventually it floods back. I'm a useless uni student like this, because I keep getting distracted by the what ifs. I can make peace with not cooking for a while. But this, I can't make peace with, and, I don't know what to do. It's still sending me made, and I still, can't bring myself to explain it in this much detail to my mother, the only other really relevant person in this matter aside from well, dad, gran, the rest, who all seem less, required of the moment.


*Headesk.* Recently I've learned about morality and rationality, and bad faith and people who think emotions should rule the day. I read Karl Marx and I almost believed him, I read other things, and I believed them. I read my philosophy essay about rationality and emotion, and I believed that I could solve it, my problem, by reason alone. But I can't. And every day that passes is a weight at some minute or the other. And every weight drags me down, or floats me up until I don't know whether I'm up, down or all about.

I'm an insecure person who dreams of security. I just can't rectify the promise of security, against what this is doing to me. Then immediately, I call myself a weak infant who can't stick to what she chooses, what she place she puts herself in, and the old resilience sticks up its thumb and waves angrily, and pokes at me to stay put, stay the course, see the end of it through. But wouldn't it be better to get out now, if I could, then in three years, when it'll be three more years gone?

See? This is two thousand and a bit words? I just worded my way through over 500 words of what I need to write for a fucking essay. Just complaining, I put together something with a beginning, a middle and an ending. Seriously. How is this even critically thinking the matter out? It’s just complaining. Complaining, inaction and worry. Plus making people reading this get fed up with all the complaining. Ick.

I need a hug.

I don't get people who do degrees in philosophy, or, communications, or, hell, art. That's part of the problem. Part of me deeply desires to do something so I could get in touch with my thoughtful side, but, that niggling thought pops up. What do you do with those kinds of things, where you don't end up, well, digging your own hole into poverty? Not as strong words as that, but the right terms escape me.

The thing I've come to dislike the most about university is the concept that I'm an artist, in my deepest of hearts, doing a science degree. Part of me is analytical, and likes science, but sometimes I feel that I'm transcending the level at which I've been able to like science so far. I find so much more fulfilment in my philosophy core unit, even in the one I'm doing in communications, because they let me think, they let me explore. They're not rote learning, remembering this fact and shoving with that fact, and trying to find cohesion.

But, I should try to find cohesion, but, but, but, all these things I should be doing. I should change my mindset; I should try different angles of looking at tertiary life. But how can I love something to my shoe soles, how can I love science, when it's not what is in my deepest of hearts? I mean, it is, in part, but art, and thought, philosophy, thinking, all that, it screams, it seems to, scream louder. Yet, maybe my priorities are wrong, maybe, my mind is set up wrong, and I'm looking at it wrong. Maybe I'm wanting what I can't have, simply because I can't have it, as the old adage goes.

I don't know, but I read about 13 year olds getting book deals, I read Sheri Tepper. I go to the art gallery cum cafe near uni and, I'm jealous of it all, I'm envious of these people who get to paint, and design, and explore. I think I even resent, in a minor fashion, all the architect offices around Notre Dame, because they're building, they're creating.

I also dread eventually having to deal with living people, if I do go on with this. No, I don't hate the living, I actually like being alive, I like the idea of kissing and loving, and talking, but, medically speaking, I do better with things that are dead. I prefer it when we do dissections in class, over observing living things, because I can get into it with ease. I don't look forward to having to learn all these things about living people, when I'd really, rather get on with pathology. Yes, yes, I need to have an understanding, and all that, but what is the point of knowing that this or that extends or flexes this or that when the people I want to help are dead? For the background, yes, I know, I know, but, ah, it weighs on me.

I don't cry, I find especial difficulty in expressing myself adequately, so this would be one of the few places where I can talk, and have things come out like I want them to. When I open my mouth to try and convey my feelings, I don't know, my words get lost, my diction isn't the same.

Oh, I know crying would do me a deal of good, so I could mourn over the little baby of my artistic life that I'm never going to have. I wish I could cry, but like Ecklie, I think I've killed it. When crying was bad for me, when crying meant losing control and being swallowed by OCD, by depression, by all that, I couldn't let myself cry, because it was losing, it was to lose the fight. And now that I can cry and still live on, I can't.


I don't know. I wish I could stop complaining, I wish I could throw myself into it and not look back, but sometimes I feel all this weighing on me, and I wish I could change, I wish, something could be different. I wanted this, I did, and now, well, I'm not sure. But that’s always me, always not sure, always making a decision based on reason, and expectation.

Now and then I go and look at the Curtin website, I look at that creative writing major, and I seethe, quietly I bubble and boil, and I vehemently despise those people who get to be there. Except, God, it's tertiary education, and one uni is bound to be as bad or as good as another uni. All courses are at a tertiary level, so what difference does it make? I've already bought my books; I've already spent my money and hedged my bets. It makes me wonder about alternate universes.

Somewhere, is there an alternate universe with me in it doing that course? And how better off is this imaginary me? Is she wishing she knew what science was? Is she dreaming of science? How I'd give so much to know what she was going through.

But no, I can't cry, I don't date, I don't go out and my writing has been almost nonexistent since February. Writing is one of the only things that makes me purely happy, and, lately, when I write, it flows differently, because I'm thinking, how long can I give to writing, before I have to go do my lab book or my homework, or this or that. And I realise, that, this or that is more important, and later when I think I can go back to it, I don't.

I haven't written for many hours, for ages, and it's sending me mad. It's making me mad, and I wish, I could shout at my family, look at me, look at how I can't write, how I can't sit and wallow in the words, and look, look what it does to me. See what ill madness this has caused?

But then I feel guilty. Because writing is a hobby, and as a hobby, it should have a place as a hobby should. A minor enjoyment, a tiny titbit to wallow in during the wee hours of the night. Not an all consuming passion like it is for me.

So I kill it, I put Ecklie aside and he looks at me, I put Sid aside and he murmurs at me. I put Eras and Eliza aside and they scream at me. And I look at the sunset and it explodes at me, because none of my characters will see the books I feel I, they, belong in, they'll never have me to describe a sunset like that for them.

University has made me a confused and vile bastard of a creature. I tried to find the art in science, and I've come to realise that there is none. There is only art where Sid is, at the end of it all. But not here, not with this weight and this concern.


I heard some people in a cafe last week talking about funding for what I gathered was some artist support program. I kept looking at them and wondering if they could see what I sometimes think is literally oozing out my pores. I kept looking at them, but I'm not at an artist, I'm only some girl with her uni books, I was only some girl who wasn't a part of their world.

This is the most I've hated myself in a long time. But like all the time I've spent hating myself over the years, inevitably, I'll move on, and inevitably, I'll kill off another little part of myself.


I promise that this wouldn't change my writing. I promised that I'd never let myself get into another year 12 situation ever again where I almost stopped writing completely. But I have, and, God, it boils at me. It sieges at me, and when I build up the fortress again, it never seems to last for long.


Life is good, but these moments of pity, piety and despair are like what it is when I write fluidly, when I see the sunsets and feel the characters. They're overwhelming to the point of complete and utter annihilation.

Life goes on. *Grin.* In some ways, I'm no different than who I was a year ago, or the year before. People are either too old and uninterested, or my age, and not stimulating enough. They are either smart and witty and 23, or cute and blank like a slate and 19. People still tell me I should go out and get drunk to relax, and I feel like telling them that if they really wanted to be my friend and wanted to spend quality time with me, we'd be discussing science fiction and giggling about Star Trek. I'm still not sure whether it's my fault or not that I think half the average university population are as boring and droll as old hell.

There are new friends, but once again I find that they're class friends, coffee friends, not going out friends, because, honestly, half of them are older, and those that are my age, are loud, and want to get drunk! Anybody I find interesting is already married with children and the little leaflets of life and being busy spread all around them.

Meh.

And the creativeness still screams and screams and pounds on the walls of my chest so that I get insecure, so that I curl up into a little ball and, I'm scared. It's like having a symbiote eating away at me, all this worth, and, creativeness and sickly honey sweet imaginings of other worlds and places I don't belong.

But life goes on, and I'm torn away to a place I want to go, but I also feel I partly don't belong. So in time, perhaps, it'll sort itself out, because I can't disentangle one part of myself from the rest. No, I can't, no, no, I can not.

I sometimes wish my mother used the internet and could find all this worth, all this angst and wonderment. Then what would she think of me? But even if I left it up on the screen, again and again and again, she would fail to see anything. Curious the spurred differences between ages. Curious indeed.

I have immense stalking win. Just tracked someone from one website where they had no email address, to their twitter account.

*Grin.*

I, I just sometimes, I don't know. I go to uni feeling good, and I come home feeling, what, overpowered, distressed, drowning under all this tepid brilliance, this warbling fear and terror. My body hurts, my mind hurts, and I haven't, I never wanted to, feel like this. I haven't for ages, and I never wanted to again. I still can't sort out my relation with art, and increasingly I find in science, even in communications, philosophy, there isn't that art of life, there isn't that expression that I've become so familiar with in my writing. And of course, it's uni, but, it hurts! I know the end goal, but that's, years away, and here and now it roars and rips at my sanity, all this expectation, and not enough time, not enough space, to little of this or that or, something.

Then, I feel, maybe, a little envious of those people who so obviously don't have that pull. Don't have the art to siren song at them, don't have the cooking to waft at them, tiny delicate tendrils. I miss my writing, but, I don't have time, and, I try not to hate myself, then I love myself and then, back around again, around and around. I never considered university a reality for me until recently, and now, I'm in the middle of it.

Sometimes I just want to, ah, I don't know. I'm being a bit contrary.

It's just, I keep trying to find the art in this, the thirst for life in this learning that I find in, well, writing, in books, in pictures and brick walls along the street. And whether it is my inherent depressive quirks blocking it, or, the actual absence of it, I can't find it. Why the fuck do I even try to find art in science? I mean, for fuck's sake. Why can't my mind just abandon the fact that my heart isn't going to get exactly a version of a facet of what it may really want?

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/04/16/2544073.htm

SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE!

Yes. Finally a reason to love Australian based air travel.


:D

On a sad note. Poor dead baby snakes. But still. Fun.

Tch, tch. I've recently realised that having gone to a religious school, my entire concept of philosophy was totally influenced by the fact that religion somehow had to be a part of it.

Shit wrong.

I think, most of all, philosophy is the subject I enjoy the most. Our lecturer has a funny turn of phrase and way of speaking, but I understand the gist of what he's getting at, most of the time.

But, just sorting through the nuances and the definitions and the extremities of all this thought, it's mind-blowing. Ecklie and Sid are responding to this with the slight avoidance that is familiar once I accumulate new information. I can't exactly change the way they speak over night, yet, I can't exactly, ignore that I have now, knowledge that they should have. Weird.

Ah, back to it. My mind is all splody.

Feeling sad again...

Nothing new.


And now I've pissed off my mother and my brother my calling him an impatient git. Because he had a cold and was feeling vulnerable, he went off crying. I mean, shit, hedge me in the hallway between her picking up books, and him at my back, and that mini relentless tirade of him wanting to get past... Fucking hell, what am I supposed to say? No amount of waiting does it for that boy, he wants it then and there, and whatever he wants, he'll damn well get at that moment.

Same old, Christian school education spiel... I mean, that school, Christian education my ass. It was more politics than religion so much of the time it's funny to remember it.

Ergo my breakdown continues to unfold. Every little moment I think I can do this, I can get on top of it, I fall back under a siege of muscle names and bone functions, locations. Not to mention this fucking scientific poster and the fact that, hello, peer reviewed journal articles are so damned specific it's amazingly hard to get any general damned info out of them.


I want to scream and quit, I want to cook for the rest of my life and get shouted at for not being fast enough or good enough. Because I can handle people telling me my cooking isn't up to par. What the fuck do they know for what's inside me? But, you know, now, I'm back in that old hell hole, telling myself I'm dumb, because I really am behind, I really am, setting myself up for a massive fail. Why is it that we must desire the things we can't have? And then desire the things we have had, when we no longer have them in hand?

There's a nice looking apprentice job up at a place called the Pony Club. Flexible hours, must work Fri, Sat, Sun. I'd take it, but honestly, who am I kidding. I'm six weeks into a uni course and I'm coming apart at the seams. I hate myself, I hate where I am every alternate day, and I'm already behind. I haven't written properly for ages, I haven't cooked in a professional setting for ages, and if something doesn't change, the next three years are going to be, just hell. I fear, I really fear, that they're going to be the unparalleled hell of year 12 and TEE all over again.

The thing is, say I did go and do creative writing, how in the fucking world would it be any better? Oh, I'd enjoy it more, but how would I be better able to cope with the workload? The sad thing is, I've always gotten the intrinsic more than the scientific. Yet here I am, doing a science degree, because the siren song draws me to it, while the base of my nature and soul wants to drive me away.


It fucking sucks.

Still no crying. If you cry, people worry, and seeing that I can not imagine any foreseeable way to marriage my love for the written word with not being a poor lower class fuckwit, well, I’ll be doing a lot of repressed emotions in the future. I reiterate at this moment, it makes so much sense, at times like this, that I’ve been writing as an emotionally devoid widower for half a decade. I mean, seriously, it just fits so damned well.

I know my mum doesn’t care what I end up doing, in the sense that, apparently, so far she has this complete faith in my intelligence. But it’s inevitable, she’ll die, sooner than most, probably, and when that comes, I want to be able to hold up the boat. There’s no point in following an arts degree, when it’s consistently being shown that science is more reliable. I’d do writing for love more than money any day of the week, but the cold, bitter truth is, it doesn’t pay as well, as regularly, and I don’t want to have to worry every other week about whether I’ll have a roof over my head. This must be some kind of fallacy fantasy, I swear.

Back to the humerus! Oh, pity me, please, pity me. Why do I want two worlds, why do I want, these two worlds, and why do I have to know, in so minute detail, that I can have only one?

Creative writing. Ah, it screamed at me this week, oh, god, how did it scream at me. And, I wanted so badly to give in, I wanted so badly to take that course at Curtin, to experience that world of artists in residence, and learning about my craft, my hobby, the only damned fucking thing that seems to come to me with a minute ounce of natural ease.

But, you know, life isn't like that. For every person who goes where my deepest of hearts wants to go, and succeed at it, there are just as many people who do other things, who go into sciences, and law, and, things, and earn just as much money, in a job that is, inevitably, more stable.

Actually, I probably haven't written since I started uni, apart from a bit at the end of this week, so it kind of pans itself out, the process to my mini breakdown. If I don't write, I tend not to take time off, I spend what time I have doing stupid miscellaneous things that aren't relaxing. If I don't write, it begins to burn inside me, and eventually, it just comes spewing out in frustration and hidden tears. When I get stressed, that invisible pressure in the back of my head, that twisting grip of OCD, rears its head and without me so much as noticing, I'm rammed head on by this train of fear and, mind stopping strangeness.

I think, what scared me most about this week, was the fact that I haven't felt like that, probably, since leaving school. TAFE was frustrating, sure, but it was easy, because it was easy for someone like me. If you can cook and you can write well, then a commercial cookery course is a damned breeze. But this world, this world of even basic uni level human biology, and biology, and referencing and all this, information... There is so much to know, so much to remember, and, while I've been trying to keep up to pace, when I focus on an important assignment, I fall behind with something else. And when I take time off to concentrate on having a tiny bit of relaxation, I fall behind with everyhing else.

The thing is, I felt horrible this week, truly, truly, horrible. I promised myself I'd never get like that again after leaving school, because TEE was the time I came closest to harming myself since I was eleven. What I fear, secretly, is that, if I felt this bad, this week, and I have three years left, then what if it gets worse? What about the possibility of doing medicine after that? How bad will that get, or how good? People say, people speak, of medicine, of science, being how well you can use the knowledge, of it being one thing after another, to make a working whole. That's all very well, but human structure and function isn't imaginative, and hell, I'll got out on a length to say that medicine may require imagination, but it's hardly creative in the way that fills my soul.

Yet, when I write as Sid, when he speaks of medicine and human biology, human structure, it's liked a damned siren song. The only reason Sid has lasted as long as he has as my muse is because he can call, like Ecklie, to my inner desires, because he can so immediately reflect my thoughts and my processes. So, yes, it damn well fucking hurts, knowing that the siren song of human biology keeps calling, but the original song of creative writing, was there in the first place, may always be there, calling, and never being truly answered.

And, look, to answer the comment that will surely come forth. If I followed my heart at this very moment, if I looked deep inside myself and did what I have a talent for, I’d be writing in a heartbeat. But, I want this too, I want science, at least, I do for a lot of the time. If I could have more sense that I might come out the other end ok, then I would write, but that’s just the fact. I’m a middle class person, and sometimes, my family does scrape the sides of the barrel for money. We are never going to become rich over night. We are never going to be multi-millionaires without a care on the world. So, to ensure that I can keep myself afloat, I actually have to get a stable job. Writing, you can’t exactly call it stable, and ergo, here I am, suffering an occasional hell, and never knowing whether I’d be good enough to be the writer I wish I could be.


Note. Apparently I was mildly successful in lessening my ability to cry. I couldn't even burst into tears when I knew that I had to cry to feel better. I can see why Ecklie loves me so much. In other news, tonight I watched a Swedish film about a guy who has a car crash and his wife and one son dies. Anyway, the remaining son and him, suffice to say it's about survivor's guilt. It was weird, that Sid didn't feel as much for it as I expected him to. I kind of came to the conclusion that, well, unlike Ecklie, Sid couldn't really help Marianne dying. That being said, Ecklie had nothing to say about the matter, but he doesn't like movies that aren't pithy portrayals of real facts. As such, Ecklie, does not like movies, and generally has no response to them either. Paderau speaks occasionally, but is still fairly silent. I think she wants a face.

Toodles all.

Curious, no one is around. Where have you all gone? I miss you guys. Or, moreover, what was left of our sparkling emerald city.

Hm. I am contending with the idea of starting a journal or some tag'd entries solely concerned with my endevours to cut up dead people for a living. Does anyone have any preference to whether it is a new journal of just some tags?

Same usual doubts about uni, same old worries that I won't be good enough, or smart enough, that I won't pass, that I'll drown under the sorrow and the pain. Sometimes, I so desperately wish that shadows didn't lurk around the corner, that those niggling doubts could be alleviated, snicker snack quick.

The truth is, and even I know, my talent lies in creative writing. My hobby, my talent in a hobby, is creative writing. When I look at the sea, when I look at all the trees I can see from the train station, I can feel, well, the best word is pain. Not physical, just emotional, up there, poking at me, all these things that will lay unwritten in my mind. The secondary question, is, of course, why bother when nobody is going to read it?

But, the lure of medicine, I keep trying to remind myself of this as I now dedicate my hours to the pursuit of learning how to reference and find journal articles, it called me when I was a writer, and it needs to keep calling me as a student. I know some perfectly stupid doctors, hell, I've come close to the brink of severe sickness once or twice, because some doctors are, in fact, stupid, stupid people. Not at large, no, I have respect for the medical community at large, but, honestly, there are some people, and I have seen this happen time and time again, who are doctors, and who, just fail immensely at being so.

I am right, if I went in pursue of art, I would always wonder, what I could have been. But it's just, looking at those trees, or the sea, or that woman painter I saw on the train today, her canvas bag all full of paint and brushes, I do still feel a little ambiguous jealousy. Not that I want an artist's life, any particular life of an artist, but, it pulls at me, and it hurts.

I miss talking to people. I miss feeling, real connections, and having good natters, and not just coincidental exchanges of facts that transcend the act of being long lasting, or meaningful, or anything other than, simple.

Oh Gauphin, I did it again. Not stupid, no, just being me, being altruistic and wishing for, something, maybe I'm not ready for.

Hmm, tch, tch, he knows here, he might, read, he might, ah, forget it all, banish me from his mind.

So, in my so called love life, we have one date that wasn't a date, and one that never happened. Ergo, same as before really, just Sid and Ecklie left to muse with, to hold, in my mind.

Then comes the attentions of someone older, oh, so much older. Keep in mind at this point, new readers to the twisted land of myself, I've been on the internet for a respective forever, and I'm not an idiot. I know concealment like you do your hand, and I feel tendrils for all that there is. *Rolls eyes.*

So, here we go, onwards. Much older, man, not creepy, no, well written, but, worlds apart. Not like Ecklie, not quiet and angry like him, not like Sid, not lonely, just awkward, I could sense that, and something else, some fire, some history, something unable to be placed. There were a few emails back and forth, but typing more quickly, instant messaging, it was, different, different words, different methods of stringing them together.

No, nothing sordid went on, nothing dirty, mere interest and reaching out for someone similar. Extrapolate and he's been alone, for so long, and I was, like him. So, with mere comments, mere niceties, them just given, I backed away silently, blocked emails, messages deleted. I washed my hands of it, and here I am. He didn't mind me, and, here I am, screaming at the unfairness, the twisting of worlds.


*Sigh.* Not a major chapter in the scheme of things, but it just reminded me of how fickle this all is. How come, someone, closer to me, location wise, than anyone I've really liked, had to still be so far apart, too different to pick apart. It's a well known fact, to me at least, that I like older actors. I prefer Picard over Riker any day, Grissom over Nick, Horatio over Ryan, Sid over Danny. I’ve never discounted a relationship with someone older, but, this mere touch, this mere flicker with it, the thing that probably wasn't going to happen anyway, I backed away from it, shut it out completely.

It was one thing though, just one experience. It doesn't really tip the boat, but it sits there, a fact, that someone, out there, far older than I am, was a little like me. It scared me, for some slight reasons, and for this. If it takes someone far older than me, to be a little like me, even just that bit, what if it means waiting until I'm that old?

I don't want to be alone for that long. Fine for the people who are, but, I want someone to beat against the walls of, to scream at with my mind, my intelligence, my words. I want a chest one day, and I want stars, a bare chest and the open countryside. I want nuances, and I don't want to start approaching the other end of my life, and never to have found that because I'm too afraid of this and that, and them thinking wrong of me.


Oh Gauphin, as a writer, I could imagine a world that older man could have offered, all those little nuances, I could extrapolate and write great things on that tiny foundation, but it was too much. Part of me wanted to touch that world, oh; I could have dived straight in and been sordid and unusual like I sometimes wish I could be. But, I'm wise, very wise, because the writer, the wisher, hasn't swallowed me. I still have that OCD doubt, that strong reasoning and precaution against any kind of harm, any form of it.

So, again, the slate is cleansed, and I move on. If I've learned one thing from Kody, it was to move on, and be relentless with it. To forget and forget, and keep that slight memory just so I am careful in the future.


But, you know, if Sid in human form approached my door tomorrow. If Sid as he is in my mind, or Ecklie, if they found human hands, found real hands, and came up to me one day, I wouldn't stop them. That's why they're characters though, that's why the only affair, I have, for now, with older men, is in my mind.

Uni is going ok. I'm starting to figure things out, although I'm still not sure how to remember everything, and what exactly is expected of me. I still have two days off, Thursday and Friday, which is sheer win, because I have more time off than on, which is, ah, amusing.

I still, feel, though, that I need to get on with my writing, and now that my schedule is sorted I can get back to theatrical muse catch up, hopefully. The plan is to, after that is finished and dusted off, I can finally get Eliza and Eras into action, which may or may not turn out a story worth reading if you like emotionally dead ninjas and empathic werewolves.

As for dating! Eh, it's still, like, non-existent. I met one guy, ha ha, for a movie a couple of weeks ago, and he was nice, he even wrote well, but, he didn't like potatoes, didn't like curry or onions and that kind of ate at me. I mean, I know, minor things, not liking curry, or strong Asian flavours, doesn't matter, but that's a whole group of food he didn't like. To a cook, it's like, here, just go chop off my hand why don't you. Also, he was nice, but shy in a way that put me not at ease, and well, reminded me of a severely creepy guy I used to know. I mean, so much so that it did actually freak me out.


I have a cold, today, and my thoughts are kind of running head on into each other, so ignore my obscure ramblings.


Here's the lovely thing. So I arranged to meet with a lass on Sunday to see a movie after she cancelled on Saturday. Fair enough, right, I'm a patient, albeit eccentric person; I get work commitments and plan changes. So, anyway, it turns out the next day I'd left my bag over at my gran's. Drove over there to get it and set off the house alarm because my mum forgot to tell me gran was actually, you know, out of the house, and hadn't just locked the doors like she sometimes keeps them early in the morning. I got to the cinema, pressing it a bit close for time, but I would have made it. The girl I was going to meet had already gone home, because, you know, text messages and a phone call aren't enough for some people to explain that I'd set off a fucking house alarm. Eh. Not that those two, "dates" were actually people I could extrapolate a future off, but, I just wanted to, God, I just wanted to try something. I get sick, on and off, of just knowing Ecklie, just knowing Sid, knowing these two muses and seeing all that they have, all that they had, and knowing that their imagined reality, could be real, in terms of love, of relationships, of, life in general. I love nuances, and silly little things, and just that click when you know someone is an ok person.

I suppose this lends to a little thing Sazi inspired in me. I remember how she talked about empathy, and how I, well, as a human being, how I read people. You combine that with being a writer, and a bit of a loop, and, well, I enjoy trying to read impressions off people now, in a slight empathic sense, in a way. Well, to call it empathy, without claiming to be specialised at anything in particular, to be exact.

Meh, more laters.

University is weighing on me, doesn't it always? I'm trying to let go of a lot of my holdbacks and really ride it, but, it feels so slow, trying to take it all in. What other people seem to breeze through just takes ages, and, it's the same old story. My pedantic nature and need to remember in point, is once again, holding me back. I mean, I've never really, and honestly, learnt a good way for me to remember things, and I have not yet unlocked how I remember simple things like muse back histories, so, I'm at a loss.

Sid keeps reminding me, though, how dear of him, he keeps reminding me to see this through. I don't know what I'd be without him at my fingers, because he inspired in me a love for his own profession, and, it soars.

It's weird, though, I've noticed lately while watching medical programs on TV, that I do have, maybe a slight aversion to live operations. Like, watching those real life drama medical programs, I get, ick. Yet, last Sunday I watched a really crazy real life autopsy show by this German guy in a big black hat. On television, he proceeds to open up this dead old lady, using what I can best describe as a sort of V incision near the pubic region. Like, lifted back all her skin and then took out her organs one by one.

Ok, so, death is, well, death, and I respect that, but that show was beyond fantastic. All I felt was a mild discomfort, but I was tired, and had just eaten. Not that I make much sense now, but, yeah. That show was, being on SBS, which is like, free to air with almost no boundaries, I kind of expected something like that, but, it was so much more! They even had two bodies they had preserved and cut in half, so you could lift off the top and see their insides.


No one really has questioned my desire to be a Forensic Pathologist yet, which I find, weird.


I missed a talk by one of the top Coroners in the country about ovarian cancer so I'm, kind of pissed. She's the only female Coroner I really know of at the moment, so it would have been awesome just to, hear her.


Anyway! I'm getting a bit jumbled with my words so I'm going to wander off. Toodles all.